Lessons Learned from the New Star Trek Movie

1. Centaurian slugs are far more effective than waterboarding for collecting actionable intelligence.

2. The Beastie Boys' Sabotage and Chevrolet's Corvette are both timeless classics.

3. In the 23rd century, bright and attractive female college students will still bonk their instructors.

4. Small, cute aliens are much more tolerable when they're mute.

5. Samuel L. Jackson must not be a Star Trek fan.