Predictions for 2009

These are no more outrageous, and no less likely, than the predictions of many Internet "pundits" -- so let's gaze into the virtual crystal ball and see what 2009 has in store:

1. America's print newspapers will all go bankrupt, except for The National Enquirer and The Onion. The Enquirer will receive a Pulitzer prize for its coverage of the John Edwards sex scandal.

2. Mike Huckabee will re-gain 100 pounds, then lose it with the help of fellow southerner Richard Simmons. The two will go on to co-author a best-selling self-help/lifestyle book, then co-host a hit point/counterpoint show about the culture wars on Fox News.

3. The new Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church will crown Vladimir Putin Tsar of All the Russias.

4. Madison will receive 105 inches of snow for the season, breaking last year's record. An angry mob will converge on the UW Meteorology Building and pelt it with snowballs in an attempt to appease Thor.

5. Brett Favre will be traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after refusing to play another season in a northern city.

6. Apple will close its chain of bricks-and-mortar stores, forcing consumers to either buy online or patronize other electronics retailers. In many cities, Wal-Mart will be the only place to obtain an iPhone, leading to the demise of the Apple brand as politically-correct Apple geeks refuse to do business with the evil empire.